"If you think my hands are full...you should see my heart"

There have been moments lately- happening quite often- when it feels like my heart is over flowing and it might just burst.  I have been watching these 2 kiddos grow close together and begin a special bond.  I could sit and watch them together for hours.  It is so special for me to see.

One of the hardest parts for me to deal with when we struggled with infertility was that I could not give Ella a sibling.  I wanted that for her more than anything and it tore my heart apart that it was out of our reach.  So when I see her with her baby brother- I really dont have adequate words to describe how fulfilling that is.  She is a little mommy in the making.  She is kind, patient, playful and so sweet with Parker.  She reads to him, teaches him shapes and colors and the alphabet.  He is going to be so smart with her as a teacher.  I've said it before and I'll say it again.  Parker lights up when Ella is around. 

I have not been emotionally able to "reminisce" (for a lack of a better word) about our 4 years of infertility.  I could not bare to go back there and open my heart to how hard it was.  I have put it in the back of my mind until now.  Seeing these two together has lead my mind back to a time before Parker made his appearance.  I finally let myself remember- how much we all wanted this little guy, how much pain it brought when it seemed impossible.  The emotions have come back to me- at least slowly. 

I keep thinking "I cant believe he is here.  I can't believe he is really here. 

Obivously my heart is still healing.  I still feel a little twinge in my gut when others make their pregnancy annoucements or see a pregnant belly.  I still have many feelings built up and kept inside that I have not let come up.  I still feel a deep pain when loved ones experience the same heartache.  However, even though my heart is different than it used to be.... it is completely full.
The Lord helped me to fill my heart during those hard years.  He helped me to find joy in spite of our trials.  He started to heal my heart long before we actually were blessed with Parker.  That to me is one of the many miracles that I recieved during those years.

 And now these 2 are together....I just can't believe it.....