The days of covid-19

5 weeks and counting.  I feel like I need to write down my thoughts because it will be interesting to one day come back and read this.  Or my grand kids will learn about this in school and can read my words written DURING the actual quarantine.

Long story short, a new virus started in China and eventually ended up here.  No vaccines, no knowledge of how it works, lots of people getting sick, some people dying.  It seems to be very contagious.  So, things have shut down.  Dustin and I both work from home.  School is now at home.  No friends, no parties, no socializing, no visiting with family.  Church is not completely from home.  Temples are closed.  No dance and no soccer, at all.  It is a very weird and uncertain time.

I have had a couple nights where the load seems very heavy, and I breakdown and cry.  I have felt scared, tired and very sad.  Its hard for Ella because she is social and wants to be with friends.  She misses them so much.  She misses school and dancing.  Tomorrow she has drill try-outs....online!  It will be so different than tryouts last year when she was instantly surrounded by a new team.  Parker is bored and lonely.  He doesn't have friends to text or talk to so really its just him all day long.

Both kids are killing it at home schooling.  They both get up and get it done.  Both have straight A's still.  Both are very motivated to do well in school, no matter where it is being held.  That helps a ton.  Parker got on to do math the other day after 3 weeks of not seeing his teacher, and she started videoing her lessons.  When he saw her and heard her talk, he got teary eyed.  He missed her and he misses his classroom.  He misses soccer.

Me, I feel tired most the time.  Work is stressful lately and so I have to work all day long to stay caught up.  I have mom/work guilt most ever day.  Parker wants to play, but I have to get the work done.  I try to do both and I try to split up the day and play but its so hard.  I feel so guilty that I can't spend the whole day entertaining the kids, especially because they are also so out of place and scared and unsure right now.  I'm tired because I worry so much; will we get super sick, will our parents, will Ella get a drill season, I also worry because I dont know the outcome of anything.

So I've had to learn to count my blessings.  When this first started we had all of us come up with one good thing that has come BECAUSE of the corona virus.  I have tried remember these things every day.

Parker used to say "look, its just us 3 again"  Meaning me, Dustin and himself.  Ella was always gone.  But for 5 weeks we have had 4 people at our dinner table.  4 people sitting around talking.   4 people doing activities.  I love this.  I love having us all together.  It was needed.

Things have slowed down.  MAJORLY.  I am not running kids around constantly.  We dont have games and competitions and meetings and schedules.  All of which I miss, but really, it had gotten out of control.  We are forced to have moments of quiet, reflection and peace.  Also very much needed.

I have been humbled.  I have had to completely rely and trust in the Lord.  I have prayed harder and read my scriptures more.  Our family church meetings at home have been the most spiritual Sundays I've ever had.  That first Sunday as Dustin blessed the sacrament just for us....was awesome.  I feel the spirit so strongly as we hold our own little church.  I feel like that is the way it is supposed to be right now (and thank heavens for a prophet who prepared us for this time)  I love being able to teach the kids exactly what they need to help them through this.  That with the help of the spirit we can teach them what they really  need in life, where as their  primary teachers might not know their individual struggles and challenges.  But we do, and we teach around that.  And I love that it is just us right now.

I've had a lot of time to reflect on life. There are some of the thoughts I have had.

Faith is greater than Fear.  I've heard that a lot, but until now, it didnt mean anything.  Now I know that you cannot have both at the same time.  I've had fear through this and I've had faith.  Never both at the same time.  Fear is paralyzing.  I was getting so caught up in the media that made it sound like everyone that gets sick will die.  Everyday they would post a new death total.  It was horrible.  I was scared for my family.  My mom who is sick and friends that are high risk, family that is pregnant....I just was so scared for them.  I felt like there was no hope.
I have also had faith that everything will be ok.  I had to turn over my will (controlling the situation, having answers, fixing the issue) to the Lord.  That is where the humility came in.  I realized I am completely dependent on him and my Heavenly Father.  I felt the weight lifted off my shoulders as I let go.  And guess what?  No more fear.  I have felt peace everyday.  I have felt hope.  I have felt joy.  Not to say I dont have tears of sorrow still, and I still feel overwhelmed and tired.  But I can get through it now because I know the Lord is right there with me.

One day I was searching through the day to find hope.  I was looking in all the news places I could think of so I could find something about a vaccine, or that numbers were going down, or that Europe was finally recovering so that we would be next.  I would find something uplifting, but that good feeling would leave after a couple minutes.  I was starving for some sort of hope and comfort.
That night my prayer was one of the "pleading" prayers where you beg for help.  Stating the obvious that so many people are suffering, so many are sad, so many are lost, please do something- do you hear me?

He did hear me.

I took my scriptures and started reading where I had left off.

"they shall obtain gladness and joy; sorrow  and mourning shall flee away.
I am he; yea, I am he that comforteth you"

The exact answer I had been searching for this whole time.

I could not find comfort anywhere I looked.  And I sorely needed it.  And I found it.  The Lord is the only one that can do that for me.  For anyone.  He provides the comfort.  If we turn to him, trust him, let go our our own will....we will be comforted.  As I read this it was like a (gentle) smack in the face.  It was a direct answer and I knew it.  I read it a hundred times as I sat there sobbing.  I am so very grateful for a loving Father who did hear me and answered me.

I also believe that you have a choice each day to live in fear or faith.  The past experiences I have had that have been tremendously hard, I had a real deal conscious choice to make; turn to the Lord and let him get me through it, or turn away and be angry.  I have always chosen to turn to the Lord and he has always gotten me through it.  I know he will do the same during this time.

One other thing I need to record.  A couple months ago during work I had a very distinct thought "you need to go to the temple, soon"  I thought that was a great thought, but why now?  A few days later I had the same thought.  "Go to the temple, soon"  So that Friday after kids and husband were off for the day, I packed up and went.  I thought maybe since I had that impression that something super cool would happen, or something out of the ordinary.  I was prepared for anything.  But nothing out of the ordinary happened.  However, it was probably one of the most peace filled temple trips I have ever had.  I walked into the Celestial room and started crying.  I felt "home" and the words in my heart were "you are home"  I did not want to leave.  I felt so loved, so at peace, so hopeful.
Fast forward months later, when this is one of the hardest things we've had to do, and the temple is closed!!  Why did I get that prompting to go right then?  Because the Lord knew it would be my last chance for awhile.  He knew that right now I would need that day to look back on.  I would need to remember that feeling, that hope, that love I felt that day.  He knew it would get me through this time right now.  How loving and kind is a Father that thought of ME and what I needed.  Long before I knew I needed it.

I dont know how long this will go on, or how it will end, but hey, thats not for me to know.  My job is to let this experience change me for the better and to allow it to make me into the person I need to become in order to have the most joy someday, after all this is done. I know the Lord is in control and that he knows the beginning from the end.  He knows how this will end and he will not leave me or my family alone.  The bad days will for sure be there, they have been there so far :)  but the bad days will make me appreciate the good ones so much more.